Nothing and Everything
by Amethyst Amber
Summary: Kenshin takes a moment on a clear night to consider what Kaoru means, and how he could ever walk away from her again. One-shot.


_One more kiss could be the best thing,_

_And one more lie could be the worst._

Bright purple eyes turned to the sky, and a sigh filled the air. A wistful smile was on the rather feminine face of the rurouni, and strands of dark red hair that shone in the moonlight played with the wind.

Hm…how stupid he was. How utterly stupid. How could he act like nothing was wrong with her? She was still hurt that he had left for Kyoto, even if he was back now, alive and well.

He hated lying to her, running from her…and loving her.

_And all these thoughts are never resting._

_And you're not something I deserve._

Would these damned hands ever deserve to touch her? Blood…so clear in the moonlight, stained him. He was so confused. Could he be so relenting? Give up something that meant the world to him?

…if it was to protect her, then yes. He could. He would always protect her. Even from himself. Especially from himself.

_In my head there's only you now._

_This world falls on me._

How strange…he had come out here to clear his head, not fill it with thoughts of her. Of her dancing smile, mischievous laugh, and pale, porcelain skin…thoughts floated through his head, and a warm feelings spread through his entire being, to the point where he was flushing.

Hm…how stupid he was. He knew perfectly well how foolish he was, thinking he had to save everyone. But how else was he supposed to repent? He had to, needed to, make up for the deaths committed by Battousai.

_In this world there's real and make believe,_

_But this seems real to me._

And yet, as he felt the wind upon his face, he wished for nothing more than to be left alone. Than to see Kaoru without the constant worry and hope that she might love him. Perhaps…if he were normal.

A short, hollow laugh drifted from him and he shook his head, mocking himself. Normal? What is normal in this twisted world? Yet…

Since he had met Kaoru, was introduced into love and trust, he constantly told himself that this _was _real. This was true. Nothing would ever change that…

_You love me, but you don't know who I am._

_I'm torn between this life I need and where I stand._

He was sure Kaoru loved him. And this filled him with a painful joy. Why in all the hells was this innocent, pure girl in love with him? A small, blood-stained man…with a dark past, and perhaps darker future.

_You love me, but you don't know who I am,_

_So let me go… let me go._

If he left…maybe she would be happier. Maybe she would forget him. He wondered if she would forgive him? Yet, he felt no desire to leave. He wanted to stay with her, as if her mere presence was a reassurance.

_I dreamt ahead to what I hoped for,_

_And I turned my back on loving you._

He couldn't love this angel…no. It was best to hide it. Yes, it was better this way. And as the rurouni sat there, a sad, sweet longing filled his face.

Was this love? If it was, gods curse the fool who said it was complicated. Complicated did not begin to describe the confusion, the heat, and the painful joy caused by…love…

_How can this love be a good thing?_

_When I know what I'm going through…_

How could love be wonderful? The rurouni smiled, a soft sigh floating through his lips again. He could never deny that whenever he saw Kaoru his breath was taken away. He could not say that he was not enchanted at the dangerous glint in her sapphire eyes when she was angry or upset. He could not, however, admit any of this to her.

He was not worthy of her…

_In my head there's only you now._

_This world falls on me._

A smile worked it's way on his frowning lips again. How wrong it was, that he could not have her. But…

He closed those beautiful eyes and hid the pain from the world. But somehow, the night understood his grief and wailed it to the earth, wind spinning and fireflies dancing everywhere. His hair flew up from his face, and bangs that had hidden his eyes cleared and gave way to distraught amber eyes, clear as a dying ember and muddled as alcohol.

_In this world there's real and make believe,_

_But this seems real to me._

He wanted her…could not let go of her. This reality, it was all that kept him sane now. Without this…he wasn't sure what would happen, but was afraid.

…how stupid he was…how completely, incredibly, and utterly stupid he was. He could never leave Kaoru, but he talked of saving her from himself.

Could it be…he was afraid to love again? It was true, he felt in a way that he was betraying Tomoe, but she taught him you can love again. After all, she fell in love with him, even after she had loved the fiancé he had killed.

_You love me, but you don't know who I am._

_I'm torn between this life I need and where I stand._

She had no idea. None at all. She may love him, but she could never understand him. No one _should _understand him. He needed to stay with her, but knew his place as a rurouni and killer were tugging him away, telling him to leave.

_You love me, but you don't know who I am,_

_So let me go…just let me go._

He remembered her tears of that night. Remembered how those sobs had torn through him, and how the pain he felt already was multiplied ten-fold.

Could he do that to her again? Could he live with himself? Amber eyes hardened, and he sighed once again. _Dear God, save me from myself…_

He shook his head. Would the gods listen to him? He smiled, eyes flashing amethyst. The gods had given him an angel, so they couldn't be too mad at him. A satisfied smile lit his face, and he stood up, brushing dirt from his hakama.

_No matter how hard I try,_

_I can't escape these things inside,_

_I know, I know…_

He couldn't leave her.

How stupid he was to think he ever would again. He couldn't leave her again. She would follow him…she proved that she would follow him to the ends of the world. 

That devotion filled his heart with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness, but he shook it off. No longer…she suffered still, and he couldn't let himself be the cause of that pain.

_All the pieces fall apart._

_You will be the only one who knows…_

_Who knows…_

As his world gave way to one woman, he walked, flower petals and fireflies mixing and showing their joy for his newfound decision. He lifted his head as he neared the dojo, and smiled as he saw her, sitting there with her head on a beam, asleep on the steps.

She waited for him…she was so afraid…

_You love me, but you don't know who I am._

_I'm torn between this life I need and where I stand._

He neared her and a stray strand of black hair escaped her braid and caressed her face, making him smile at her tempting innocence.

_You love me, but you don't know who I am,_

_So let me go…just let me go._

"Will you let me go?"

The whispered words floated and she frowned in her sleep, a pout appearing on her lips that caused his mouth to quirk into a true smile.

_You love me but you don't know who I am._

And as he picked her up and took her to her room, he knew that no matter what, this was where he belonged. If he woke up to find this was make believe, a dream…he would cherish it until his dying days.

Nothing mattered, and everything mattered. _She _mattered. His everything. And he wouldn't have traded the world to get her to take back what she said as he lay her down.

_You love me but you don't know me._

"Aishiteru…Kenshin…"

And he smiled, a smile that reached his eyes. Eyes that held sadness and truth, happiness and nothing, hope and everything. Those eyes that were purple, with an underlying message of amber…

Amethyst and amber…light and dark, sweet and evil, good and bad? Who was to tell. Because nothing mattered. Nothing but her…and she was everything…

God, I must be depressed. BUT THIS IS THE BEST WEEKEND EVER! Okay, I need to say something to animeobssessed3191.

You need to specify if you want one of the party girls or if you want the assassin group girl. I have no idea where to put her.

Oh, and for a name, I chose Mori.

…but it can be changed! I just like that because it means 'forest', and the forest is full of mysteries. So…yeah. And if you don't like that name…

…um…Hikari?

…Iera? Micci? Yukete? Ano…if you like any of those, tell me! I'm working on names, don't worry!

And…hm…Yu-Gi-Ah 2.0, this is really a…check up…

You wanted your charrie to be one of Kaoru's friends right? Since animeobssessed3191 was first, she get first dibs on the assassin person, if she wants him/her.

I really don't care about gender for that person.


End file.
